I’m low, without any motivation and confidence from almost a week and this is about both professional and personal life. I’m currently in a position where working is a compulsion and not choice or option. I can’t afford to take a break from work and spend time with my 22 months old daughter, raise here, teach her; which I really want to do at this point of time. Typical middle class problem of a working woman! Phewww!! I’ve never or at least in my memory, faced such kind of demotivation to work and life in recent times. I was low on energy, misbehaving with my parents, daughter, husband, brother, maid, delivery guy… basically everyone who I found irritating me, talking rubbish or not listening me. I was got insecure about my job, once I got back to work after quarantine (story about it may be in next post). I found another colleague of mine to be involved in much more work than me and everyone getting along with her! And also learning that now she’s has said NO to the next branded company which she was going to join. This made me insecure… all of it. Yeah!! I know you must be wondering what a shallow person I am.. but I am a human being with flaws. I need to openly admit this for my own peace and mental health. I’d been denying it, tried hard to suppress the feelings, but not anymore. Yes, I was insecure about this thing and lot of other things as well; which I really want to admit at this platform to move ahead and heal. This is my private space and I want to be blunt here and pour my heart out. I guess it’s okay to feel this way, it’s okay to be insecure sometime until you harm anyone. If you are feeling lonely, sad, low, demotivated, under-confident… it’s okay. Let those feelings come and touch you, it is important I guess sometimes for your rise like a Phoenix!!
Now the question is why these feelings came to me, I wish to analyze. I’ve had such demotivated, gloomy days even before but this time I could feel that it was lil different. I was demotivated, insecure, not able to make decisions, wanted to run away from people, even my daughter; was constantly shouting on my parents and daughter, was glued to my phone, scrolling up and down. Didn’t let any single positive thought to cross my mind. Felt like crying at times but couldn’t. I self doubted my abilities, I felt like my colleague knew things way better than me, I’m a zero person, I’ve not achieved anything. I don’t know anything.
I felt as though, is it like beginning of depression? I started questioning myself- am I on verge of depression? But why would I be depressed, I don’t have reasons to feel depressed? Then why these gloomy days have become part of my life from last one week? I didn’t work much at office, at home didn’t feel like cooking for daughter or feeding her and I felt guilty for everything which I was supposed to do and didn’t do.
But then, today I decided to end all these miseries and accept all negatives which I was going through. I looked myself in office washroom mirror, stared at myself and spoke to myself, admitted everything. I decided not to feel wrong or negative about myself and start afresh; give myself time to heal and work on making myself the kind of person I want to be. And with this note I’d been positive since morning, completed certain tasks on my to do list and here jotting down just to remind myself that there will be negative things which this world and people in it will tell you, sometimes even you will drag yourself down but then you have to remind yourself to stand tall and rise like from ashes like a true PHOENIX!!!
I'm Phoenix 
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